Aviophobia

An irrational fear of flying. I have always had a minor case of this amongst my long list of self-diagnosed diseases, but rather than growing out of this one, I have grown further into it. One would think that someone traveling for so long and facing so many flights would begin to let go of their fears of flying, but in this case, it's not so. It's gotten much, much worse.

The plane starts accelerating on the runway ready for take-off, and I try to remember if I sent my family my flight details to look out for my flight in case of a disaster. My muscles tighten, my hands and legs start shaking, and I clench my fists turning my knuckles white as my heart rate triples. The look of fear that I feel on my face must be terrifying the passengers around me as I look for signs of calmness on the flight attendants' faces. I can't read their expressionless faces for the life of me. I find no calmness there and appreciate when the person next to me keeps it completely cool. I pull out my iPhone that has a saved snapshot of the Traveler's Prayer in Hebrew and recite it in my head repeatedly until I feel the plane start getting comfortably into its cruising altitude. I worry that our altitude is not as high as usual... I hear strange sounds... the sound of the engine is changing in an odd way... I think we're dropping meters quickly.

Why didn't I listen to my mom? She wanted me to come home ages ago. I should have listened. Then I remember an anecdote my mom told me a decade ago or more that contradicted her plea for me to return. To keep it short, it's something like this...

A man who loved horses more than anything in the world went to a fortune teller. She tells him that he will eventually die in a cause related to horses, and because of this new information, he abandons the thing he loves most. He tries to keep himself safe by abstaining from any contact with horses. Years later, he stays at a hotel where a painting of a horse hangs above the bed. Feeling nostalgic for horses, but without making a connection, he drifts to sleep.  During the night, the painting falls off the wall killing the horse lover. My mom further explained by reminding me that when it is your time, it's your time, and you cannot run away from it no matter where you are or how you try.

This thought calms me as I realize that I shouldn't give up what I want to do because of this irrational fear. This trip is what I have been wanting for a long time. My time will be my time wherever I am. I try to calm myself letting my muscles loosen and taking in a few deep breaths. The plane feels steady, but I wont feel better until the wheels are on the ground again. Another successful landing.